I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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