Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
