Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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