Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
