and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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