It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
