My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
