why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
