and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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