trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As shirtless as possible
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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