Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
