Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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