ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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