Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
