Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
