you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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