I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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