youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
