please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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