I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
