there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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