If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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