WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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