I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
