this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
