Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
