You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
