FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
