What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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