I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
