Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
