Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
