Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
