Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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