I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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