My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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