I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
