I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
