after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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