I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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