I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
