I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
