Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
