ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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