my phone needs a breathalizer
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
