it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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