the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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