By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
