Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
