my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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