sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
