I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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