I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
